is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
