i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
