I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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