....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize