ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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