dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
