so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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