She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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