There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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