dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
