is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
two words...techno handjob
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
