maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
