Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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