Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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