Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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