I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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