every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
