I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
