all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
