dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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