Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
