you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
