Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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