i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I need water and some morals
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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