today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
