I cannot find my penis.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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