Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
