I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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