you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
