i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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