So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
