Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Tornado booty call.. dedication
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
