Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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