So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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