Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
