You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
