Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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