dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
