My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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