May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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