remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
