the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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