One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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