My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
