Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
