Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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