3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize