Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
