I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
