So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize