Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize