Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
