I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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