I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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