I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
