your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
