In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
