When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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